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Not reality

I almost died and I could have chose to die but I kept living. I took a job then I did a sin which had severe consequences. I say severe because of the punishment and because I changed the US for the worst without realizing it. I prayed and prayed in the COH but kept losing and lost everything. Seems like I’ve now lost even more then I originally had. Right now I’m happy because of grace poured out but it’s not reality